Last weekend we had a very important walk at one of our favourite places. It was the longest walk we have done for quite some time and we carried something very special with us.
We went to Ennerdale to scatter TND’s Mum’s ashes. She passed a few years ago and TND wanted to walk around the lake with her as it was a favourite place of hers. First, I think, we just weren’t ready to let her go and then Ludo got cancer, just as she did. Then Arthur was too young to go on such a long walk and then Squiggly came along and it felt right that we should wait to all go together.
We walked a lot in quietude and sometimes we talked about Mum, about Squiggly, about the place we were walking in and the people we passed. It was nice. I realised that we are getting to that stage where we can talk about her with fondness and that lump of regret for how quickly and unfairly she was taken is taking a back seat to the memories of her life and her place in ours. I don’t think the lump will ever go, but I think it’s getting smaller.
I said to Squiggly as he was carried around the lake by his Dad that he also carried a part of his Grandma in him and so she was never really gone. We carry our loved ones with us. In our genes, in our memories and minds, we keep them alive as we think of them and they shape our actions.
As we walked we passed groups of scouts out also walking around the lake. They were sitting, eating their lunch and we thought of Ludo.
We laughed about how he would have been mugging them for sandwiches. Thinking ‘ah, a nice bunch of chumps for me to turn my cuteness onto.’ He loved walks where we stopped for lunch. TND used to make him his own sandwich. No wonder Ludo loved him straight away when he joined as as ‘The New Person’ in our lives.
I carry my baby. We carry him, not just so we can go on long walks. Squiggly needs to be close sometimes. Lots of times! I like to think that he’s returning the favour. Wherever he goes I go now.
I hope he takes me to some interesting places. Hopefully we’ll get to take him to lots first.
-Dee (the hu-mum)